Dear Humpty Dumpty,
I'm sorry you're struggling with so much. My medication has helped immensely in stabilizing me so that I can see things more clearly. The right medication can stop SI. My doctors visits to the psychiatrist only last for 15 minutes. I know how hard it is for you to go to the doctor. I've read all about the traumatic, terrible treatment you have received. However, a good spouse is hard to find and she will be traumatized if you make an attempt. When we have SI, it is sometimes quite irrational and must sometimes be a "chemical" thing. Having experienced a lot of SI, it is that way for me.
I know you are against doctors but I think your spouse is right about you going to the doctor. I hope you can find the courage. You seem like a caring person and deserve to be happier.
Sincerely, Myst