i know this is an old post but i just read it and had to write. i feel sick and am sweating and dizzy after reading it. i understand and it terrifies me. ive been in the same situation. almost exactly the same except ive never given out my phone number. and its been with both sexes. and i sometimes get so so so afraid i will do it in real life. my head hurts. i think maybe i was feeling something similar the night a few years ago that i blacked out and woke up in a strange guys bed. it felt like SI as you say. where does this come from? anyone?
ive been working on some stuff with T recently and before i told her about a memory i have from my childhood that was possibly abuse i was doing this sometimes all day. so much. i havent done it now in a few weeks but the thought makes me feel like cutting my heart out and yet i want to so badly. its like a compulsion.
this post has really triggered me. i completely understand about feeling like a perverted freak. abhorrent and disgusting are not strong enough words for how i feel about myself. im sorry if you read this justbeingmyself that i cant offer much support. your post has just shaken me. sorry i cant help. i hope you have been being kinder to yourself since you wrote this though.
take care