I hate it when I lose impulse control and do stupid stuff. Now I have to worry about being pregnant for 2 weeks just because I couldn't stop myself and hubby was just happy to get some. I don't want anymore kids.

My kids are coming home from my parents today. I don't want them to come home yet. I feel like a s**tty mom for saying this. I just want a few more days of just hubby and I. Been drinking a lot though, not good and explains my stupidity last night. Shouldn't drink.

Tried to tell hubby about my sadness this morning. He just sighed and didn't consol me. I got into the van and went for a run. Ran hard till my lungs felt fit to burst and the tears stopped coming. Stopped to walk a little until my breathing slowed and ran again. Twisted my ankle and had to come home.

Ate lunch and saw a letter adressed to me. It was from my insurance company. The billing gal at my therapist got a pre-authorization for 12 visits for me. It was supposed to be for my daughter so I am probably screwed. Of course it is saturday so I can't fix it.

Hubby got angry because I got frustrated and he stomped out of the house to go paint his mom's bathroom. I am alone now. Nothing to comfort myself except for the blade. I now have I'M F**KED carved in my upper thigh. The blood is soaking through my shorts. Guess I should go take a shower and clean myself up and come to grips with my own stupidity.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson