Friends... I am taking a little break for awhile.. to figure out what I am...

This morn.. I reacted to a research poll and asked to have it deleted.. it was by a psych student... and I when I say reacted.. was triggered.. and it has made me think.. really think..

Am I a person or a research rat?

My first therapist, I was with for 10 years.. Dxed with MPD or DID.. it was 23 years ago.. I have experienced alot in life.. incest survior, with a pedaphile for 4 years, 12 years of marriage as a battered spouse.. mute for a year.. OCD.. cantalope size cyst and near death when I was 19... I could go on..but yes.. I suppose it is "interesting" to study me..

My son had the first operation of it's kind in our area.. and doctors came from all over the hospital to view him, his charts.. they recorded it so they could teach others..

So.. I ask.. has my family contributed enough to research.. can I have one place where I can come where it is safe..

I trusted my first therapist with my life.. so great our bond..

I did many drawings, writings... creative stuff..and he took it and published it in his book on MPD.. My stuff was published without my permission.. though my name was removed..
I felt.. exposed... put out in the public in the name of reseach.. my private thoughts.. my drawings.. my writings.. my paintings.. for all to see...

He refused to give my own stuff back to me... it is irreplaceable.. the material was created by alters that have already been integrated.. it shows the progression of the integration.. it shows the depth of feeling that each alter felt.. yet it is not mine... it is "research"..

It was suggested by someone here.. that as long as the person wasn't hurting anyone.. the research should be allowed to stay.. I had a choice whether to respond or not..
That is so true..

But this is my safe haven.. this is my sanctury.. I choose to share my feelings with you my friends... and it isn't for research...

It was further suggested that "out there", I was indeed being researched.. and that just brings back all the fears.. of being studied.. and also if out there.. why not here too.. after all what is the difference..

Then a more senior member suggested that not all research is like what I have experienced.. and that I also had a choice...

So I am one very confused person...

Am I a person... or am I a research rat? I am so confused..

May God please grant me some peace.. may he heal some very old wounds...

May you my friends have compassion and understanding for me when I hurt so very badly..

Please hold me in your hearts until my pain eases..

Thank you...your friend freewill