I have an overwhelming sense of right and wrong but I’m getting worried. I seem to be losing everything that makes me human. I take decisions based on how good the outcome will be or how I can make the inevitable bad outcome less damaging as possible (I lead a project team). I don’t take anyone’s emotions or whatsoever into consideration, I just want to get the job done as fast as possible. I want progress and speed even if it means leaving behind those who can’t keep up to rot. I recently saw a mouse in my room. I didn’t just let it be or catch it with a trap and release it somewhere else, I caught it with my bare hands and killed it. I can’t feel or tell what someone else is feeling and the worst part I stopped trying as I think emotions will only slow us down and is a weakness. Nostalgia means nothing to me anymore. When I’m angry I feel like I can kill so I escape the scene and hurt myself. I no longer feel human. I feel like a machine taking decisions based on 1s and 0s but it also feels like the way to go, the way of improving this worthless life I have. I have thought of killing myself before but then I think that so many people hate me including my own parents so why give them the satisfaction of my death. I can’t walk the streets freely. My hands are always trying to clench into fist as it feels like everyone wants to hurt me. I’m not very strong but I trained hard to be faster than most people just because I’m afraid that everyone’s out to get me. I was successful in apprehending the culprit in an armed robbery (I was also able to disarm him). I didn’t fear that I would die that day I just thought whatever happens I die an honorable death. I was also thinking I’m just a speck of dust among the 7 billion people, nobody will miss me if I’m gone, It’s like I had a death wish. When it all ended and the cops arrived I slipped away.. I didn’t want anyone to know who I was. I always hide away from people. I always wear black and go out at night so I can hide in the dark. I lock myself in a room sending directives to my team remotely or some cases putting a member off the team. I don’t face them much. I want to escape any social situations. I hate clubs, parties and anything of that sort. Facial expression is close to almost gone. I don’t get nervous. I don’t feel fear. I’ve lost all hope and only believe that if I want something to happen I have to make it happen. I respond to other people expressing their emotions by calculating in my head which response would sound most human. I can’t feel a thing they’re feeling. Death and blood don’t bother me anymore. My grandma died recently and I didn’t feel anything I just delivered the body to the crematorium, picked up the death certificate and left, I didn’t even stay for the so called last rites. I didn’t mourn, I felt no grief. The next day I went back to my regular life as if nothing had happened. I’m obsessed with speed in every aspect. I finish my morning routine in 10 Minutes or less.

I was a severely bullied kid.

That wasn’t enough. I’m guessing it was the crazed gorilla thing again. And yet again I was the bad guy.

But after that I promised myself to never become the person my dad is and be a better man and now in that attempt I find myself losing the very things that make me human. I largely control my anger now but it has its limits.

I've been learning a lot of topics over my entire life in pursuit of knowledge and now It often leads to an existential crisis. Also all this information in my head seems like a mess which I understand but can't explain with speech.

I’m becoming a monster and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop it.

P.S I'm a Computer Programmer