Thanks everyone. It was incredibly helpful.

I just got home from my sister's house (though I'm going back there this evening). Yesterday was so strange. I met my sister for a drink and talked a bit (first time we'd been alone together in ages since her husband is always present). Then we went back to her house for dinner and hanging out. I slept in the extra room but woke up in the night (2 hours seems to be the maximum amount of time I can sleep right now). When I woke up my sister was getting up to go to the restroom and I asked her to come in. We sat on the bed whispering to each other (didn't want to wake her husband in the next room). I talked more about the things I've been anxious about (she was very very comforting) and then we talked about old old issues from our childhood (things that hadn't been mentioned in years and years). It was strange and comforting. Funny, she and I are so very different we would never have met in the real world (if we weren't related), yet if we're looking for it the bond of family is still there -- old old experiences that are common to us.

I told her how upset I've been. I'm pretty much having an anxiety attack right now. It's unfortunate because I need to be doing things for a job I'm supposedly starting day after tomorrow. Without going into all the detail: I'm worried that I've somehow screwed up the job (we haven't signed a contract yet) or that there's more I need to know than I know (some stuff I should be studying this weekend but can't). So I'm anxious that my job will either fall through or that I won't be able to do it if it doesn't. It's all scary and overwhelming. I know job changes are one of the big stressers in life, but I was unprepared for how anxious I'd be when I was laid off. It was brutal to my self-esteem. I've had all these crazy thoughts of doing bizarre or self-destructive things. I told all this stuff to my sister in the night. She's like "this is STRESS -- you are not having a psychotic episode -- you will be fine -- I've felt like this too." Etc. etc. It was so strange to talk like that since we haven't in years (I mean, we regularly communicate or do things together, but we never talk about any of the old issues from our lives, ever).

For those who mentioned it, I did talk to T yesterday (he called me since I'd left him a message on Friday). I told him how I'd been talking so much to my sister and he was pleased I know. Saying it was something I should be proud of. I see him tomorrow and will hopefully be able to talk a lot more about the things that are upsetting me.

I'm suddenly really emotional. I'm generally one of those stonewall people who never cry ever and suddenly the least little thing leaves me in tears. I guess that's what anxiety does to me.

You guys may see some weird posts from me in the next few days as I try to cope. I'm so anxious I almost can't be alone (will spend the night at my sister's again tonight) and I'm not sure how I'm going to recover. I very much appreciate all the support on this forum. It's wonderful. I hope to be more supportive to all of you once I've recovered somewhat.

Someone mentioned group -- sometimes it does help. I don't know if I can talk about this stuff in it tomorrow or not, but maybe a few things. Probably not the whole deal as I'd be overwhelmed trying to tell that to a group of people IRL.

Thanks everyone.

Sidony