(((((Harley326)))))
I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much right now. It sounds like nothing like this has ever happened before in your relationship with him, and that you have no reason to expect it to happen now. Consequently, you are terrified that something bad has happened to him. The anxiety is so great that it is making you even consider using drugs or alcohol.
What might be some options for safer ways to cope with the pain?
(((((Harley326)))))