Today I attended a family gathering where I saw family I haven't seen since my father died 10 yrs ago. It was my cousin's 50th birthday and 25th wedding anniversary. My husband refused to attend with me. He says my family is too stuffy and it was too far for him to travel. It was only 2 hrs away, but really it was no big deal to me if he went or not. I've learned that if he doesn't want to go some place its best for everyone if he just stays home. It turns out my brother and I went together and had a real nice time.

For some reason I found myself making it a point to really tune in to what was going on, not only listening intently to everyone’s conversations but also observing their body language and non-verbal communication. I saw a lot of people who you could tell were just going through the motions of living. They had families, spouses, careers, and all kinds of tangibles; but the connections just didn’t seem real.

However my cousin and his wife really stood out. You could tell that they had something different going on between them. They had invited everyone there to celebrate it with them. You could tell that they were just in complete balance with one another, that they truly enjoyed being together. They really seemed to be living in the moment and that there was no where else in the world that they wanted to be. They were completely absorbed in the joy of the event, and their joy just seemed to spill off into the crowd. What they have seemed so real that it made me shiver. I was so happy for them.

On the car ride home I couldn’t help but feel—I want THAT! How do I get it? Is the fact that my husband and I don’t have it my fault? During my last therapy session, after a lot of prodding from T, I actually admitted that I was no longer attracted to my husband. I said I wasn’t just talking about being physically attracted I was talking about the whole package. That it was really hard for me to show someone love and affection when I really didn’t feel it. I said I would miss him if he wasn’t there and that I didn’t think leaving him would make me any happier. All I could say at that point was that I just wasn’t sure if I really cared deeply for him. She said to me… ‘you realize a lot of married women feel this way.’ I think she thought I would take comfort in knowing that I was not alone…but honestly… it wasn’t comforting at all.