Thanks for your response, ATAT. Yes, I've been seeing her for over 4 years. A bit of background: Wasn't super connected to her at first, but she seemed to be helping some. Then there was a period from maybe the middle of last year to the beginning of this year where I felt really connected to her. And it also seemed like she had come to really care deeply about me, like her eyes would well up with tears sometimes when I was talking (which hadn't happened in the past--only since like a year ago). But then the past few months, it feels like she's really pulled back again.

Earlier this year, she suggested hospitalization for me, which upset me, mainly because of how she presented it: "Would hospitalization really be so bad?" When I've told her multiple times I have a phobia of hospitals, plus I had freaked out months before when p-doc had just suggested a day program (not even inpatient). Plus she acted kinda weird that whole session. Next session, we talked about it, and she actually admitted (which was unusual for her--she doesn't tend to admit mistakes/apologize/say she might have been wrong, unlike MC) that she thought she might have gotten too close to me and lost her objectivity. And was concerned she wasn't providing the help I needed. We talked and hugged (which she rarely does with me, but will hug other clients--she said she didn't hug me because I had a bit of maternal transference).

Things got a bit better there, then at one point a few months ago, I told her I loved her, but knew the therapeutic relationship was unusual and unlike other relationships, so I knew she couldn't reciprocate. She agreed with that, and then added "Not that I don't love you, too." Which surprised me. It really feels like she's pulled back a lot since then, doesn't seem affected by what I'm saying so much, seems almost tired of me. I brought that up in our session this week, about how it felt like she'd pulled back a bunch since admitting the love thing, so maybe she felt she'd said and/or felt too much. And she was like, "You're making an awful lot of leaps there." Which felt very invalidating.

So I partly wonder if some of this is a transference/countertransference thing, especially because she's my mom's age (and has kids my age). I have/had positive paternal and a bit of erotic transference for MC, which he knows about and has worked with me to deal with (I suspect there's a bit of paternal countertransference on his part, too, but I won't get into all that now since this is more about T). He's said that transference in therapy can be beneficial in that it can uncover lingering stuff from childhood (or other times in the past). And you can sort of replay past situations, but work through them and have a different outcome--which is part of why he's encouraging me to try working things out with T.

OK, kinda rambling at this point, so will stop!