I'll start at the beginning, that's all I can really do.

Years ago, I met this boy on okcupid. We hit it off terribly well online, I was in college. When we met up, his breath was so bad it turned me off of him completely. For years he sent me messages and continued to hit on me. At one point in my singlehood I started flirting back with him. I'd send him pictures and the like. We met up again, come to find out he had a girlfriend now. He wanted me to come downstairs and kiss him to see if he'd made the right choice. I refused. From that point out I took the girlfriend's side on nearly every dispute he came to me with. Many months later they opened their relationship. Said they had decided to practice polyamory. I was one of the first girls he went after. He convinced me to have unprotected sex. He told me he loved me. We went to movies and by all accounts I was happy with him. We shared a New years celebration together with his other girlfriend. In February they broke up. In February he stopped telling me he loved me. I assumed he was hurt. I wanted to give him time. I was supportive of the other new girlfriend he pursued. In may I moved in with him. When I had graduated college and wanted to be away from my awful family. I moved into his bedroom. In his appartment. for the first time in my life I was getting sex regularly enough that I almost never wanted for it. For the first time in my life, I was able to come with another partner. I trusted him deeply enough to let go. We went to a beltane festival (a pagan sex and fertility festival) had a wonderful time and had sex just outside the convention walls and it was beautiful. more time passed. and he started to get more distant. expressed distaste at me calling him my boyfriend. I eventually learned he had sex with his ex again. We had an std scare resultant of that. then he tells me he doesnt want anything romantic with me. and that he still loved her. kicks me out of his room. leaves me living in the living room without any kind of privacy. and basically stopped engaging in any kind of pleasant contact with me. he claims he still wants to be friends. but every second here hurts. especially seeing how clearly he doesnt want me around him. and I have no idea how to cope and no finances with which to remove myself. I'm in a significant amount of debt right now. I have no other options but to stay here living on a mattress on the floor in the living room of my ex's apparment and its eating away at me every waking moment.

I imagined a future with him. I wanted things with him I didn't want with other partners. I imagined kids down the line. marriage even. I trusted and loved him enough to have unprotected sex.

but he threw me away. to go back to his ex, that called him a pedophile when she left. that said all manner of awful things to him. that hurt him innumerable times in so many ways. but he loves her. and he doesn't love me. and i cant make him love me. but it hurts so badly being here.