thanks...

i love that poem as well, i think im going to take it to give to her.. dunno if she may have already come by it or not but either way it cant hurt..

i have been trying to write down some focal points that disturb me since before i ever started treatment back in 2011... started off as just listing crazy symptoms, but back then they never really seemed to care much about reading it... so i stopped taking notes on symptoms at some point... i dont really have any memory of it all though, i actually cant remember anything but thats just so extraordinary that i dont think anyone really believes me... wish it wasn't true...

i have been trying to think of what i could write down to explain my predicament since i started talking to her though because she is really nice and i think she would atleast listen and give me benefit of the doubt...

i go through atleast thousands of scenarios in the mind everyday trying to contemplate a way that i can say things... to no avail... i over analyze everything and over complicate everything because i just dont want to embarrass myself and make myself look like a fool... but i guess the truth is i already look like a fool so i dont know why i even care about it at this point

the only way i am able to talk to her seems to be to break it down into singular words that are not very descriptive... and i just know that is not helpful and probably just slowing down things...
how can you help someone when they just tell you, i have pretty bad depression... anxiety is bad... i dont know whats happening... memory is nonexistant... blahblah...
why not give some form of detail? how does it effect you? but no..

the biggest problem right now i think is the memory because i dont think i can get anywhere without remembering what i talk to her about... i cant remember what happens during the day, minute to minute literally... time really doesnt exist for me...
dunno what happens during the week... or inbetween appointments... there just is no memory, or if there is memory then there is no recall... and its ridiculous... i put on a good show apparently, no body calls me out and says im weird or says anything bad... no one really ever asks if i am ok because i guess i seem perfectly fine around people...
makes you feel really retarded... but then you think, maybe you have to be really smart to do those things? but thats just an arrogant thought so it cant be true...

i guess my problem is that i think i know what it is but i wont accept it, i wont even begin to mention it to anyone or her and i know that she is probably the one person that i could talk to... but i dunno what she would say... and i feel like an idiot...

im wanting to take in this journal that i filled up and point out a couple things because i think when i talk to her its difficult for her to see any anxiety or depression, but in the journal there are so many crazy things i just dont want her to see... but maybe those are things she needs to see... i dont want to sabotage any help she could offer... but i feel like thats what i am doing... not on purpose though... i just hate it...

if i could just have some form of continuity with memory maybe i could formulate some type of sentences that would seem ok enough to say.. because i know i have came to agreement on some things to say but i forgot what i wanted to say

im really tired and i feel like im getting weaker...
something happened to me at the beginning of this year during the severe major depressive episode and... i dunno what happened... but something changed... things just seem different but... it feels like time is running out and things are going to revert and if i dont do something fast i wont be able to make the difference i wanted to...

i know i dont make much sense... but its because im confused too and i feel like i dont have all the information i need but i have only enough to be able to get things going which i have actually jump started things and kicked things into gear... talked to these people and got the paper work filled out... they know there is a big problem but i just...

its so hard when you are fighting to stay here you know..? walking around and realizing that you are not really all the way here, but popping back in every few steps verifying things are still on track... im just really disappointed... things were supposed to be different, but there is too much inside that i cant handle you know..? i mean, i am not even able to utilize huge parts of the brain because of whatever it is and it causes you to feel like you are just... i really dont know how to put it into words... there is no continuity, its a dream state, surreal, no memory, blah... writing this even im having a difficult time...
im inside a gelatin bubble that blurs the world but i am trying as hard as i can to reach out to someone that may can pull me out or atleast tell me whats going on...

but i am fine... the memory issue and lack of ... consciousness... for lack of better word... helps me to survive the extreme ... pain... i guess...
but it hinders recovery at the same time... im just tired of looking like everything is fine when on the inside i am near death...
no one believes me... dunno why people cant listen when i do say the smallest bit... they shrug it off like i am exaggerating, when i am really undercutting the severity drastically...
but what can you do... im just really exhausted from all of this stuff... sick of the issues... and just want a normal life... maybe if i tried to do this a long time ago it wouldnt be so complicated... but i wasn't even really awake my whole life...
27 years old (wow...) like 9720 some days give or take... 233280 hours or so... and all for naught...? not a memory to my name, besides some incredibly disturbing flashbacks... what a life... blah

im afraid there is no escape...
afraid that there is no way to recover from such...

just wish i really knew what was wrong... atleast then the enemy would have a face...

i really dont like putting things like this here... or anywhere, dont like anyone to know that i really am really sick... but im afraid that if no one knows, including myself, that this will be the end of me... till the end of days, which who knows is how long...
would like to be able to open my eyes and smile, content, feel happy with what i am surrounded... i cant even imagine...
cant even imagine a place that i could feel that... i dunno what its like at all...
and it makes me so sad... especially when you can see some one else so happy, not to envy... but to wonder if they are really happy or if they are broken as you and the world just sees you as fine too...

this stuff is really making me so sick again... i feel the depressive episode that never recovered... i try to keep it at bay, some times i lose entire days to it... or more i dunno time is not my friend...
but the moment feels like an everlasting moment, there are no seconds or minutes... its just a stretched out moment that is never ending...
i dont want that depressive episode to take back over... im already depressed with the way things are... if it wakes back up i dont think i can handle it this time because i have no medicine due to no pdoc to see me right now and gp is scared to rx anything... and i cant self medicate because of other issues at the home...

well... im just gonna stop writing again, need to go smoke a cigarette...

thanks for letting me just write nonsense...
much love..