i know it probably seems like im being melodramatic... and i apologize if i am, i truly am in a lot of trouble though... and it truly is difficult being like this... and i truly dont know how to put it into words...
but im concerned that i actually may be dieing because of the way i am feeling..
slowly drifting away, unaware... until im completely gone..
like maybe its not a mental disorder... maybe my body is really just physically shutting down...
its just hard to try to figure out why else im having weird symptoms...
why im so out of it and disconnected... why any of this you know
and if i am, then its just really not fair... i've always been good to everyone i have ever met, atleast to my knowledge... i always try to be selfless and help everyone that i ever am in front of... super polite and everything...
yet i may die without ever knowing what happiness feels like..? that sucks..
dunno why im so nice to everyone around me when im on my last legs..
but im hoping that is not the case and that its just something else and that maybe some how i can gain some sort of control back, some sort of collaboration.. regain piece by piece and put together myself so that i can have a life too, that is if this is the real world and im not already dead... or in hell...

wish i knew how to express myself... but the truth is i have never been able to
i vaguely remember people would tell me to just be myself, and i remember the confused feeling i would have when they told me because i was just like... what am i doing wrong? i didnt know that i wasnt being myself..
this is so messed up...

i need some wine