i dunno why but i always feel so stupid after posting

well.. at the clinic they are supposed to be trying to expedite me an appointment with the pdoc... but they aren't really taking on new patients for medication right now due to doctor transition... but i am taking the wellbutrin.. as long as i remember to take it, you would think after being on it a year i would remember fairly easily, but usually i end up realizing few hours after i wake up that i havent taken it.. atleast i hope im not doubling it and taking it too many times a day
guess i should start using that weekly planner again :/

but the wellbutrin doesnt really do anything... i mean, honestly.. i was on a lot of meds last year? or.. well when i started going to this clinic in 2012 the pdoc put me on a bunch... but they didnt really help either and i think i just pissed him off and he thought i wasnt listening or taking the meds or something because he put down that i was noncompliant... which i am super compliant.. so it really was like... re-traumatizing to have to go through the way he treated me... just would not listen to anything i said... so im glad that he's gone from the clinic now and i hope the new doctor they get will be different..
dunno why the meds dont really help though... the therapist said that its because its not a chemical problem but more like psychological stuff... atleast someone told me that... maybe it was the psychologist back in january..

but im ok... things are just really wack and weird for me right now...
kinda feel like im losing my mind... but i tell myself that you cant lose your mind if you have already lost it hehe
but i really do think that ive gone insane or something... my brain just is not working the way its supposed to

i just feel really out of it all the time... and i never noticed it till some time around the beginning of the year... i mean i noticed but i never payed attention because i was always drinking and smoking and stuff so when you're buzzing you dont really pay attention to this kind of feeling... but im sober now and its really messin with my head... ya know?

but its ok... i just have to figure things out.. just wish i could keep my thoughts together and focus so i could talk to the therapist about this stuff..
i mean hmm.. maybe i have been talking about it, i really cant remember what i have told her... besides some key points of things that im pretty sure i have mentioned... like the abuse... i just know that i havent talked about it, yet... i hope..

but i dont want to make any one worry, its all good... all is well that ends well...
really appreciate the platform here... even though i always feel kind of silly after writing some thoughts out... i totally avoid re-reading though to avoid triggering the same emotions or whatever..
so apologies if i get to sounding too... dark...

thanks again... im gonna try to go to sleep, dont think i have been sleeping very much ultimately...