'am i a person or a research rat'

maybe it isn't an either / or kind of a thing.

maybe it is about this:

'am i a subject or an object'

the idea is that a subject is a thinking and feeling person with hopes and emotions and desires of their own. a subject of experience. that has the right to have their preferences taken into account and has the right not to be treated as merely a means towards other peoples ends.

the idea is that an object is a thing that can be manipulated and poked and prodded and dissected according to our curiosity and our desires. where it is perfectly acceptable for us to treat objects as a mere means to our ends.

it sounds like your experience with research left you feeling like you were being treated as an object. the person used very personal things that you gave them without your permission and ultimately against your will in order to further their own ends. hence, your understandably feeling like a 'research rat'.

the majority of research isn't like that. that is why there are ethical restrictions on 'informed consent' so that people can decide whether they want to participate in research or not.

i personally like to participate in research (as a subject) as much as possible because i think that people are attempting to help other people who have similar experiences / problems to me. and... i'd like to help them if at all possible. i like participating in research because i feel like a research subject and not like a research object, however. i like to give my informed consent to participate in studies that are run by people with reputable credentials where they are bound by ethical guidelines that i fairly much trust. if i'd had your experience of objectification (someone using your stuff against your will) then i figure i'd be a little wary of research too.

but i guess the idea is...

to figure out what belongs to the past and what belongs to the present and try not to live your life in response to the past over and over and over... try and focus on the present as best you can because there can be lots of horrid %#@&#! in the past whereas things are basically safe and okay right now.