Oh that sounds just like my H was. When confronted about doing something he would say that wasn't what he was doing or that wasn't what he meant.

He was forever saying when confronted about something "I don't know" just like a kid that gets caught doing something & asked why. His other favorite saying was "whatever" By the time I left after 33 years of that, I just wanted to slap anyone who said those words I was so sick of that crap. That was his way of getting out of responsibility for doing anything.

He never admitted doing anything wrong.....but he definitely played the innocent victim of everyone else doing him wrong when it reality the problem was always his creation because he was incapable of handling anything outside of his normal routine.

For me, I had to leave because it was a matter of trust. Not infidelity sort of trust, but just being able to trust what he was telling me. I would ask him something that I wasn't able to find the answer to because he had filed the paperwork & knew what was going on. He would tell me something that he was so sure was the truth & I would rely on it & find out how seriously WRONG he was. I knew that as long as he was in my life this was going to be a problem & that If I didn't leave & take control of my life so I knew EVERYTHING that was going on (especially financially) I was going to be continually trapped into having to depend his inability to know the truth but be so absolutely sure that he was right......I just couldn't continue to live that way.....that was the straw that broke this camel's back.

Even though I walked out when I bought my farm, it wasn't initially with the intent on leaving him, but like you, during my time away, I actually found myself & I wasn't willing to give it up to go back though I did bring him to the farm for a few weeks that following Christmas & our daughter came for Christmas also to see my farm & celebrate our last Christmas together as a family. I kicked him out a few weeks later when it was nothing but fighting & him totally disrespecting me in my home when in reality, he was a guest here. That was the end & I have never regretted my decision.

I do understand your need to give in one last chance because I did that also though I think I had already decided that it wasn't going to work before he ever got her. Ugh, a 2100 mile trip in my truck with him driving across the country with our 13 dogs in my horse trailer......enough talking on that trip for me to honestly KNOW it wasn't going to work before he ever got there.

He nailed the coffin shut on the marriage when I found out that from even before I went to buy my farm he had received a letter from the IRS about back taxes without saying a word to me about it. I got the second letter only because I had all the mail forwarded to my farm from that Christmas when he came to the farm for initially an unknown period of time.

His philosophy was that it wasn't a lie if he said nothing & his MO was to withhold information.....in his mind it wasn't a lie because he never said anything. I couldn't get through to him that withholding information is the same as lying if the person is entitled to know the information. UGH, it's no wonder I was screaming at him by the time I finally left. The peace of not having to put up with his crap was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But we have to KNOW & we have to give it the chance until we are convinced that we have had all we can take or in best case, it does work out to be enough change to be satisfied with.

Don't feel bad if you do go back & it does feel enough but if months down the road, you realize that in reality it's NOT, though it would be wonderful if it all does work out great & the changes are enough to make the marriage workable (at least for awhile). Usually there is sort of a honeymoon period when going back when they are on their best behavior......it's when that period is over that the true test comes & it's OK too.

I honestly pray that it works out for you. I'm just happy that you have such a wonderful IRL support network that is helping you through this. With that I would have much less worries....I had no one. My mom had died, I had a useless T living in California & my daughter was off having her own life problems. I had no one to talk things through with or to get support from so I had to figure it out on my own & hope my decisions were OK. With the support you have, I would also be more willing to give it a chance also....but WHEN YOU ARE READY. It's important to feel confident in your own strength to hold your own in the relationship....but with your support network, its easier to take a chance when you know they are watching & observing with your best interest in mind.