I told T today that my fantasy world is now impinging on my life today...I told her I have a fantasy that I am dead and I can watch her mourne me...I told her before I entered therapy my fantasy was always that I was lying in a hospital bed and waiting for "friends" to come visit me and be ever so concerned and that the nurses would be ever so concerned...but that fantasy disappeared not long after therapy started and I realised that nurses are not always the caring individuals the profession suggests...I remember as a child being in hospital and sticking my arm out the cot rail pretending I was asleep and wanting one of the nurses to touch me...now I think about sitting at a distance and experiencing what it would feel like to see T mourn my passing...T said can't I even in the fantasy ask for what I need? I nodded NO!...T said it seems your always experiencing caring as something that will happen sometime in the future? your imminent passing? ..that you dont seem to feel you can get it now?...I told her I SI when I am in the fantasy but now the fantasy and reality are on a crash course..my body in the Today is paying the price...I told her that this is just a business relationship and not real...she sat up and looked right at me and said is it? I think its real...I just kept knocking her back...then I felt angry and stiff and wanted to go...wanted to escape the pain of not getting "held"..but I refused to bolt again and sat and said,...you know...I think my feeling of anger and frustration at not being able to feel close is not about today in this room?...that this is how it use to feel but if I want it there is something to be had here?...T said its important that I saw that....then I felt my body relax slightly only to tense up as i went back into that place...Its hard to understand that all I need do is relax and "be" in the room with T...my body just automatically finds the hardest route and takes it..gotta fight with myself...sigh