Quote:
Originally Posted by not.dead.yet
I struggle immensely with self-esteem and confidence. I believe it goes back to my childhood and youth which weren't happy years.. I've always felt less than nothing because my dad didn't want me. But I was just reading about how others' judgement of us is a reflection of them, and realised my dad just wanting to get away from me was/is a reflection of his fear or resentment of being needy - probably because he was never seen nor accepted with his needs growing up. It really didn't (doesn't) mean I'm worthless, and I am allowed to have needs even though he resented and looked down his nose at them!
Just wanted to share if maybe this could help others see someone's judgement of them in a different light  All the very best to you today, and hugs!  |
My family were just like your dad except they hated being needed and me being a needy 5 year old that they neglected but were forced at times to pay attention to,meant I grew up being hated and resented by them.I have played that very same role in my family until six weeks ago and I am 52 years old now.I have only just realized reading your post,how everything they criticized me for wasn't about me but about their resentment of me.
I haven't begun yet to see myself without the lens of their eyes so I don't know how I really feel about myself of who I really am yet.So much of me was misrepresented by them.I have always felt bad and punished myself always seeing myself in relation to them.
I have started to be someone in my own right,away from them.It is exciting,who am I really,what do I like what do I want?What was I exposing them to that they could not bear to look at that made them hate me and want to destroy me so much,my precious family who reminded me daily how important they were and how much I didn't matter?
No wonder I had no confidence or self esteem.I went to university and just broke down I was so full of self hatred,people liked me there but I couldn't believe it,I thought I was stupid, ignorant,inexperienced and useless and I put myself over as someone who wasn't capable of socializing or even studying,I attracted bullies cos I criticized myself so much and had such low self esteem,no emotional support from my dear family,they just dumped me there waiting for me to fail which I soon did.
Yes thank you for your insight,it is so helpful to me,and though I am 52 it isn't too late,cos I am not dead yet,pardon the pun not dead yet,ha ha!
