Hi mouse. I guess the fantasy of having someone mourn us is the ultimate "proof" that they truly cared. They are experiencing authentic grief, not "faking" their caring for us only because they feel we are watching them and they have to "pretend" they care (or because they are paid to care). I wonder if your the fantasy is about not trusting the care, warmth, and affection your T shows to you in real life? In your fantasy, she "proves" it by mourning (her professional obligation as a therapist would not require her to mourn). And yes, all those echoes back to childhood. I wonder how they feel when we push them away, even if they know so much of it is transference from our past?

I have had the bodily sensation of fighting myself in session to not push T away. I felt like I was trying to break old, entrenched patterns of behavior. On this one occasion, it was really hard, and I remember being so proud that I didn't do it. But it was a battle, and it was distracting--what did we talk about, anyway? After session, I was exhausted.