I replied to the post from splitimage re the driving licesnce and poured my heart out and no-one answered, and thats dangerous for me, I felt myself disconnecting, in fact I felt like giving up and did so for a while, I know, it was partly my fault because I just did it in response to someone else, so maybe no-one read it. It is an issue for me here, I look at how other people get such warm and positive responses, and I feel I dont have that link-in to other humans and I feel that disconnection from the planet kicking in, thats part of being a ' self in exile' (aka schizoid).

The danger for us is going beyond to the place of no return, I can feel that happening inside me and its real, I guess, its like an alcoholic taking another drink in a way. I desperately need people to ... well, understand, and if not understand, then just show good will and response. I dont blame anyone, I've had great good will here, but I can lose the feeling, .......
what I talked about may seem irrelevant to others, or really fussy and complicated, I dunno, but it had meaning for me..... I'm gonna repeat it here, much agianst my natural inclinations....... over to trust and good will..........


<font color="blue"> My particular set of ussues includes feeling 'being appropriated from', so, when, (after 12 years in recovery,) I started talking to one of the Ts who were trained in PD.s and she also knew about the programme, she asked me........."do you have a sponsor?, how long have you been abstinent?, its a spiritual programme you know!..." well, I was amused, flabberghasted, insulted, and triggered! I'd never been spoken to like that before, it was like she stepped into authority over me, over my programme, the only thing I had in my life that I felt was truly, naturally mine. .....
I'd always done my programme for reasons inside myself, I've gone to many lengths, done service, conventions abroad, its no big deal, we do that in the programme, but never needing to be told by someone else, not in that way!

And heres the problem, in a perverse way, I kind of liked the idea of abdicating to her too, in a sort of surreal, self destructive way, it was intoxicating, wanting to submit, and play into her power! ............... .....thats the disorder, everything went squewiff inside me, she got into my head, and where I was once a person in recovery from my own separate centre of initiative, suddenly, I was 'being her good child', living via her, she got caught in my 'neural loop', my sense of self syphoned off into her, my internal saboteur had a field day, and formed a bond with her to undermine me, all that was my experience, .. Thats the f------ disorder............

its actually, a deadly thing, subtly removing ones life, bit by bit, from inside.

And yet, by God she understood me, (in other ways), as I have never been understood before and as I longed to be understood.... great inner coflict.........!!

Hey, I'm so sorry, I completely have got carried away, but I guess I have been carrying all this, and hearing you just opened the flood gates for me,

And it all started with a drivers licence!

thanks for listening, I hope i'm understandable, and thank you for helping me to begin to get all this out into safe hands. theres loads more, but I should probably start my own share rather than hitch hiking onto someone elses.

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well, thats what I copied from the other post.............
I'd love some responses....

river