hmm...
today my dad told me again he wanted me to search those sources for studies where they give money on the internet. and every times he tells me to do that i get angry in a destructive way. i can`t say exactly why. i don`t know.

and when he went out i had a..bottle? not exaclty a bottle - a tobe? with paint and i sort of hit/slammed it on my head...real strong...damn i feel it is funny.
damn. i don`t call it REALLY SI like cutting yoruself but i know that this momnet i am not free. not being normal and want need to feel pain. (ha! as if it will make anything better...lol...)

strange. MOST of the time i am fine. MORE than fine. i and doing really good in terms of dealing with my life struggel-self hatred. basically - i feel i do NOT hate myself anymore....i sometimes think of myself as of some1 how can almost write a self help book..for may reasons..but i STILL have thos %#@&#! good for nohting self destructive moments.

i think it is strange. i UNDERSTAND everyhting but it still sees to be there....he, you cannot get over it COMPLETELY?
yeah, i knwo part of me likes htis %#@&#!..like it is "cool"but in reality it is NOT