I am a pro at sabotaging my own recovery. And I really don't get it. I hate it. I feel like I finally have a med that seems to be helping...either that or the fact I haven't been suicidal for a couple of weeks is just coincidence... But I hate meds. Especially this one. It makes me feel kind of ill at the same time. Trying to tell myself it's worth it if mentally I'm better but I'm not sure.

Since I started it just over a month ago I keep missing doses. I have now missed 5 days in a row. It started with an innocent forget one night. Then the next day I just couldn't bring myself to take it. I keep telling myself I'll start again tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and I still don't do it.

It feels like there is something physically stopping me from doing the right thing. And I know there isn't, it's all just my head, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I'm embarrassed about it really. It shouldn't be this hard to swallow a couple of pills. I don't get why I turn it into such a huge deal. But once I get in this mindset I can't seem to get out of it. It quite often ends up with a stay in the hospital... I know I need to nip it in the bud before I get to that state...but how??