I keep trying to repeat something similar in my mind. He's old, and he's really set in his ways, his prejudices about others, his views of the world around him. I keep trying to remind myself that his thoughts and his behavior are a reflection of him, not of me. And I keep thinking about how exhausting it must be to go through life having to judge everyone around me all the time for not living up to the standards I've arbitrarily set because they're what I value personally and what I've been able to achieve personally. But instead of that making me feel better, it's been making me want to scream all that at him, slam the door, and head for home instead.

Honestly, it's exhausting to pack the kids and the dog up and trek over here, or trek down the state to where they live the rest of the time. I'm tired of spending so much time traveling to make sure my kids and my & my husband's relatives get to spend time together. I'm tired of getting to our 'destination' (their homes) and spending all my time and energy trying to make sure we're tidy houseguests, not too loud, not too demanding, getting out of the way frequently enough, etc. I just don't think it's worth it.

But then, sometimes I feel the same way about being in my immediate family at all - just wishing I could drift away to somewhere off grid and not have to answer to anyone, cater to anyone, guard myself to protect anyone else, or behave in any way other than what I feel exactly at that moment. Not just to disappear, which would leave a lot for others to deal with, but to erase myself from where I am, in the current moment as well as the past and the future. Like going back in a Choose Your Own Adventure book to a point where I could choose a different path and opt for something way more isolated early on.