I'm generally a regular person. I am outgoing if need to be, i have friends even though i haven't made any really close relationships, i have had a girlfriend, i passed highschool etc.

I have had ups and downs with my mental state for the past years. 60% of the time i feel just fine, but then every now and then i get these 'episodes' when everything feels like ****.

Example of an 'episode':
I wake up, i feel fine, i look outside looking at the nice weather, i eat, have a cup of coffee and just relax. All of sudden i start to think everything negative (could be things i have done wrong in my life, things that could or have made my reputation bad, people who could be possibly after me for unknown reasons, friendships that have ended for unknown or stupid reasons) and i get full of anxiety. Sometimes this is triggered by something related to those thoughts. It could be a friend talking about something that causes me anxiety, it could be a picture that causes me anxiety, it could be paranoid thinking that causes it, sometimes it just comes by itself without having to be triggered by anything. I cannot get my mind off these things. My heart is going faster than usual, i cannot think straight. I feel like killing myself just because i'm sick and tired of going through these compulsive thoughts that just come and come. Sometimes this episode can last for days and sometimes just for an hour or so, if i get something else to think about, which only works around 40-50% of the time.

Some days i feel happier than usual but not significantly happier. My happiness used to be linked to drinking. I used to get really high boost in my mood if i knew that i would be going drinking with friends to a bar or pub or whatever. Drinking started to be the key to happiness. I have stopped drinking so often and it doesn't give me the same kind of happiness anymore. I don't usually feel significantly happy but i have these weird mood swings especially in the early morning when i look outside and have no worries or compulsive thoughts at all. Usually i am very stable in terms of mental state if i'm not having an episode. I have some rare days when i feel completely normal. No worries, nothing. Just a regular, nice day. That happens really rarely, though.

My episodes have caused me to avoid social life and other people. I feel that i get a lot of anxiety from people around me. I cannot trust anybody and i'd rather spend the whole day at home than go around to meet new people because i have been back stabbed many times by friends and most of the people that i have met have given me negative vibes for no reason. I feel unusually stressed if i have to be social if that makes sense. I feel alright with one or two friends but even then i'd rather spend time close to my home than go to places that cause me anxiety.

There is certain people that trigger my anxiety. It could be somebody who behaves in a weird way towards me if they see me. It could be mean-mugging, weird behavior or something else. That kind of people usually trigger my anxiety and negative thoughts. Even if i'm thinking about them i can feel my body tense up and my thoughts racing.

I used to have a friend to talk about these things but he ended up disappearing from my life for no reason. We rarely talk or are in contact these days. This gives me anxiety too, knowing that he knows stuff that i have told him and i don't want anybody to know my mental state. These days i feel alone with my thoughts and this feeling.

I have tried going to a psychiatrist and it helped me in a way that i felt good opening up even though i didn't know the person, but it didn't stop the episodes from coming back. It gave me a temporary relief that lasted for a day or two.

Why i'm asking is this bipolar is because even though i would lean to OCD or just compulsive thinking, my mood does change from extreme to another every now and then. Usually its in the middle but still.

Any wise people here that could give me tips? I'm sorry if the thread is confusing.