Here is a coherent list of what I am experiencing:

- Anhedonia - I don't enjoy my usual hobbies, I can't think of anything that I would like to do, nothing at all
- Low energy - I feel tired through the day, likely linked to my hypoactive thyroid (started treatment, too early for results though)
- No motivation - I can't bother myself to study or learn new skills, I don't even work even though I'm really in debt, partially due to low energy but a lot of it comes from "why bother" attitude which I just can't get through (may also be linked to thyroid)
- Mood swings/Rage fits - They're pretty bad, used to be a daily thing but I do not get them AT ALL if I am on Escitalopram
- Emotional coldness - I find it very hard to find empathy in me, even bad things which happen to me just don't seem to affect my mood in a meaningful way, it is scary to me and I worry that other may perceive me as cold
- Difficulty concentrating - Any mentally strenous task is too difficult for me, it takes a great effort for me to even write this post, I feel as if my brain does not have the energy to think things through
- Anxiety - Especially at night, I feel unreasonable fear; during the day I am at a constant state of unpleasant alertness, I feel restless. Escitalopram removes this symptom completely.

During the 3 months period after I tapered off Escitalopram most of these symptoms were non-existent and my state was vastly different (as described in a post above).
I had
- Delusions of grandeur - The most talented one, with great destiny, invincible and protected by supernatural powers (what I belied in...I know how it sounds)
- (Partial) Loss of contact with reality - I belied in a supernatural conspiracy in my life, put a lot of effort in proving it, ended up embarassing myself
- Irritability - Anything could spark an argument and I had trouble controlling my anger
- Random states of euphoria - It was not a constant state of euphoria, my mood was not elevated non-stop, but almost every day I was flooded with endorphines, I never took cocaine but I behaved exactly like a person on it, invincible, endless energy, motivation, just felt great albeit it was not a good state due to overconfidence that always came with it

Do you think it might be a bipolar disorder?
I should get myself to a doctor, shouldn't I?
Every time I feel better I just ditch my doctor, I know it's silly. I felt better so I stopped seeing my old doctor, then I felt worse so I got onto escitalopram again but it's not helping (I have a lot of leftovers).