Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
I can completely relate. My ex-T. used to point out that I need reassurance. Sometimes even saying "there's that need for reassurance again". But, as my current T. pointed out, the entire point of coming to therapy is to get a reality check - "is this normal or not". We talk to friends and family for reassurance. I agree it's a basic need.
My ex-T. seemed to be almost militant saying I shouldn't seek reassurance/sympathy/validation from others - I should give it all to myself. Well, good luck finding a person who is good at that. we are all human and need each other to survive.
Ex-T. made me feel horrible for wanting the reassurance. She would point out I want it, say she's not that type and then say "when am I not reassuring". I get that one doesn't want to rely on others for every little reality check but when you are digging deep and feeling ways you have never felt before, reassurance/validation is the only way to make it through.
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Thanks, SoccerMom. I remember your story. I didn't recall your ex-T being so anti-reassurance and validation, so that's interesting... I agree that it's totally human to want validation and reassurance (as does my marriage counselor).
What really got me last week is that, OK, there was this thing a couple years ago where I met with...let's call her a mentor, who I wanted to help me with my job search after grad school. Well, this mentor ended up being very critical of my job search (which I thought had been pretty extensive) and making me cry. I tried to explain to my H when I got home, but he didn't seem particularly sympathetic, saying that maybe the mentor had a point. So I was feeling really bad when I went to see T the next day. She actually said to me, "I know you want validation right now, but I'm not going to give it to you." This was near the end of the appointment. I left and sat in my car in the parking lot sobbing for like a half hour. (Marriage counselor finally gave me some validation the next day.) I told T about this the next session, and how it upset me, and she said that maybe she had handled the situation incorrectly, that she misread what I needed. So it was almost like an apology.
She mentioned this again last week, in the context of my wanting validation/reassurance. And she seemed proud of how she'd refused to give me validation the first time! Which...I thought she had learned from that but apparently not...
I don't know, I'm debating just going to my session tomorrow and saying I either want to take a break or terminate. I could try again to explain why I'm upset, but last week the stuff she said just made me feel worse, since she was so defensive, and it felt like she was turning stuff back on me. MC said I should get angry at her (I struggle with feelings of anger and tend to turn them inward instead of outward). And I have. But it's like, is it even worth expressing my anger to her? I mean, I guess I could practice expressing anger, but I don't see her being like, "Oh, I get it now. I'm sorry."
I just really think she probably thinks everything is OK after last session, since she ended with that whole "I accept you" thing to me. But it's not OK. I'm just not sure she's the right fit for me. She's concerned that letting me e-mail her and stuff isn't helping, but I don't see how her approach is going to work for me. Even without the e-mail, it's just the vibe I'm getting from her. Of course, she mentioned last week how I'm "too perceptive" in my ability to read other people (which she used to say as a complement). OK, I'll stop rambling now. Any advice welcome!