This is a preliminary post to what will eventually become a social group. Please feel to read this thread and share your experience if you can
somehow relate. Let me know if it would help you to have a place for a safe discussion on this controversial topic, and what ways you need help.

So, I was involved with a married man for a few years. We broke up in December of 2015 after discovering yet another big lie he told. Shocker..
What did I expect right? There are tons of questions I've asked myself which are right in line with the anger about people recovering from my situation.
Most people want us dead, say that we don't deserve anything, that we are going to burn in hell.. nothing but hate...and very rarely offer the help
that we need to see ourselves clearly so that we don't create these situations in our lives.

We were never discovered. His wife will probably never find out, and he can continue living his life, screwing around with countless others
(as I recently discovered.)

Although we had no plans to run away together, for him to leave his family, or for me to be open with my family and friends about the true nature
of our relationship, this breakup was the MOST devastating experience I've ever had. It almost literally killed me when I discovered what a real
sleaze he truly is, in stark contrast to the way he always represented himself, telling me in the beginning that I was the only "other" one,
knowing I wouldn't want to participate in his so-called if he was actually just trying to play the field with anyone who came along. He would
talk about how grateful he is, how his wife would probably thank me, how he had unspoken "permission" because of his wife's issues with sex. (She suffers
from vaginismus.) He made himself seem so innocent and good. Over time his story changed and he confessed to having many relationships "on line."

I vacillated in the beginning feeling it was so wrong but our connection was deep and so loving. When you get sucked in what seems like a Karmic connection, it is hard to let go. He was always so available. He would TELL his wife he was going away with me. We didn't ever have to hide or lie, he never asked me to conceal my activities and he didn't seem to do that either on various social media. He felt like a normal boyfriend. We would go away for the weekend, sleep together, everything you
could do with a normal boyfriend.

Over time, I found myself needing to keep boundaries but he seemed to have none. He would invite me to his home when his family was away... Um... NO. He
would invite me to his home for the holidays. I wasn't going to hang around pretending to be a friend to his wife or allow him to dangle me in her face.
I began to see that he was trying to hurt her and after awhile noticed he seemed to want to hurt me also, by dangling other women in MY face, despite assuring me I was the only person he was having an intimate sexual relationship with. My nerves were constantly rattled and he seemed to
enjoy that. Why should stick around for all that???? Why did I?

Since the breakup I've been in therapy, went through varying degrees of "no contact" and finally cut him out completely. The greater work of therapy has been to truly understand why I created this situation for myself and it's been eye-opening discovering all the secrets of my childhood emotional
development and attachment style. Some of it has made my hair stand on end.

The good news is: I will NEVER be involved with a married or unavailable man EVER AGAIN. And if
anything good is going to come out of this, it would be to help other people like me who need help GETTING OUT and being less open to these
toxic relationships make irreversible change within themselves. I've been inspired to possibly go back to school at middle age, I'm creating all kinds of music. It's just painful... still.

Some days are hard, even now. Despite what I know now, I miss who I thought he was. I miss all the fun times we had and being me is just hard sometimes because I have no one in my real-time life to talk to about this but my therapist and the people on this forum. Sigh.

Thanks for listening. Feel free to comment or share, just no bashing please. My intention is to heal myself and share my experience to help others.

Thanks for reading.