Hello. Please forgive the length of this post, I just found this site, and I have needed to get this off my chest for years. I apologize if it sounds whiny, I know there are people here with much worse problems, I just want somewhere to finally say these things.

I am a 25 year old married woman, and I am still dealing with some issues from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I lived with my father due to the fact that my mother didn't want a child. My father remarried when I was young. My stepmother was the disiplinarian of the family. From the beginning, it was obvious she didn't love me. She would say things to me like "If I had a daughter, I'd buy her this" or "If I had a daughter I'd do this with her" etc... As i got older, she began telling me that I was so weird she didn't understand how anyone would want to be my friend. She would accuse me of doing something I didn't do, just so she would have an excuse to punish me. She would taunt me until I cried, then tell me I was such a crybaby, no one would ever like me. She made me eat dinner in a seperate room from her and my father, saying that she didn't get to see him all day, and that they needed time together. I was a "daddy's girl" growing up, and she made sure that didn't last long. When I was 10 years old she told me I was too old to continue hugging my father goodnight. She attempted to keep me away from him at all times, she wanted him all to herself. She would buy nice, expensive clothing for herself, and dress me in Kmart styles, stating she didn't have the money to buy me anything better. When I was in 2nd grade she cut off all my hair, and made me look like a little boy. She said I wasn't smart enough to take care of long hair, and she didn't have the time to fool with it. In high school, I was not allowed to go anywhere with my friends, or date. I had a 40 hour a week job for the last two years of high school, so I didn't have a lot of extra time. I was happy to get away from my stepmother. She wouldn't allow me to date, yet asked if I was a lesbian because no boys called me. They knew not to call because I wasn't allowed to talk to them. As silly as it may be, there is one thing she said to me as I was growing up that really bothered me. She once said to me I was so skinny I looked like I had AIDs. Try being a gawky teenager and hearing that from your parental figure, it really doesn't do much to the self esteem. lol

When I was married a couple years ago, she suddenly turned into a different person. She wanted to help with the wedding, and now all she can talk about is how much she wants a grandbaby. I have tried to be nice to her. I have never confronted her about the way she treated me growing up. But I still think about it. There are many things that happened that I haven't mentioned here. I feel as though I still act like a 13 year old, ackward and weird. I feel as though people think I am anorexic looking and strange. I cannot get her words out of my head. I am a very anxious person, and I have no close women friends. I simply don't trust women. I want to go to therapy, but cannot afford it. I am a college student, and called the campus mental health counselling area, but they say they are booked up through the beginning of the year with their 'regular" clients, and cannot take on anyone new. I have other issue, but will make a seperate post about them.

Any ideas on how I can get over this? As i said above, I know it isn't nearly as bad as many people have had it, but it is something that bothers me. Thank you for reading.