Hello ectoplasmLunatic: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having so much difficulty... & I don't know as there is much I can offer in the way of guidance. I will tell you that I am an older man who always felt as if I should have been female. Way back when I was young, the words "transgender" & "transsexual" hadn't even been coined yet. There were boys & there were girls. And if you didn't happen to fit into one of those 2 categories, you darned well kept it to yourself, if you knew what was good for you! As a result, I grew up hiding. And I'm still hiding to this day.

I also struggle with a lot of anger... even rage one might call it. I don't know if the anger / rage I feel inside is related to my being transgender or if it is a separate issue. I've also always struggled with depression, high levels of anxiety, & some OCD-like behaviors. I've self-harmed in the past & made several suicide attempts... two of them serious...

At this point in my life, I have been married for over 30 years. And, without going into a lot of detail as to why & how, I'll just say it has turned out I've ended up simply denying the real me for all of those years to the point where, now, it simply no longer matters. I'm just too old to worry about it. But I suspect that all of that hiding & denial has taken its toll. And perhaps that's at least part of the reason I'm SO ANGRY!

Perhaps it is something like this that is going on with you too? From what you wrote, it sounds like you're not hiding at this point. But you're not being acknowledged or supported either... in fact perhaps you're being punished. Under any circumstances, perhaps it is the case that what is going to need to happen here is for you to get out on your own, away from your mother, before anything can really change for you. I don't know if that is in any way a realistic possibility for you. But it may be what needs to happen. I know that getting away would be the only alternative for me. It's simply that, in my case, I've made the choice not to do it.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!