i... push my therapist away sometimes when he is trying to be connected to me. i push away his efforts in the present but fantasise quite freely about him caring for me. its really scary to feel connected to him in the present sometimes.

i was having trouble before because he is taking time off. i feel... abandoned. alone. sometimes i forget he isn't there and it is like i hold my arms out all hopeful - and then i remember. never mind feeling a little happy / excited that i can send him an email and he will get it and be thinking of me. he said he won't be checking his emails. now i feel the disapointment like a kick in the stomach when i remember. i feel hurt and... ashamed for having felt the urge to reach out for him.

i don't want to care about him. i don't want to need him. because then it will just hurt so much when he isn't there for me. if i don't care about him then it won't matter if he isn't there for me.

i pushed him away hard in our last session together. i see what i did now. i sent him a long rambelling complicated email and he didn't really understand what i was saying... he tried to but i kept deflecting his efforts. he tried to connect with me and i kept deflecting his efforts. i think he felt a little... hurt. defensive. attacked. of course i could be projecting... but i think its more projective identification really. thats how that feels take that.

hurts sometimes.

hang in there.