Quote:
Originally Posted by Fizzyo
Hi there With or without you,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time with your therapist.
I haven't had very long term therapy, though I did have 2 years with a psychodynamic counsellor, other talking treatments I have had have been between about 6 weeks and about 9 months.
I found the psychodynamic counsellor, after an initial improvement in insight really served to get me from one week to the next until I decided I wanted to try independence, with no real long term benefits.
I found more structured sessions with more input from the counsellor using different models including transactional analysis was more helpful, with some continued benefit afterwards and other sessions I had were to address a particular issue.
I'm still living with depression. Three years ago I "crashed" and have had limited response to medicine or talking treatment, but, diagnosed with BPD traits, I took part in Stepps, a course which focuses on coping skills to manage emotions which helped me to be more independent dealing with episodes of distress as well as insights into thinking patterns and anticipating and intercepting possible triggers. This has helped me communicate with people around me about what I need and to avert some points of conflict without anyone kicking off.
I think in my experience, after initially exploring childhood and developmental trauma etc., therapy has worked best in shorter courses focusing on particular problems with daily life.
I have been more ready to deal with different things at different times in my life (now 47) though if you find someone who can help you get through the weeks more easily where life would be impossible without, I would go for it, but possibly not weekly (if it is for maintenance), but adjusted to the time I felt I could manage independently.
The clear message from my psychiatrist is that he feels I need to learn to live as the person I am somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ if my personality is part of the issue he may be right, much as I hate to admit it. The U.K. Health system is geared more toward shorter periods of intervention if possible, aiming for as much independence as possible, for better or for worse, so I have to pay for long term counselling type therapy myself.
I have an issue I am thinking of taking to a counsellor if I can't get past it by myself and we have also had some couples counselling which was helpful.
I suppose for me, I like to feel I have some sort of control and a therapist who will allow that. They all seem to think they can cure everyone, but I'm no longer convinced.
The key is to have someone you trust and that it is of benefit. Pain without gain is nonsense in my opinion, you probably have the best idea of what you need, and you still have the advice of your psychiatrist as your needs change.
I don't know if I have just muddied the water with my rambling, just a little of my experience living with almost lifelong depression (age 47)and the need to try to find a way to continue that is acceptable or at least manageable potentially for another 47 years.
Best of luck with your break, I hope it will shed some more light onto what you think you need going on into the future.
Kudos for continuing to work through all this! No one else can know how hard and how much of an achievement that has been for you.
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Thanks for replying. I'm sorry if I sound difficult, but you never mentioned in your reply if you actually took a break for a while.
I last saw my therapist 2 weeks ago and we agreed that I would come back on September 8 instead of mid-October. I see my psychiatrist next week. So far I can't say that my mood is any different - not better and not worse. I am using all of the money I would've spent towards therapy during this time to pay down some major debt I have from recent dental work. I am journaling here and there, the last time I did I just wrote about every past hurt or misunderstanding I've had with someone that had gone unspoken until I got a hand cramp. The words "disappointment" and "projection" seemed to come up a lot. It felt cathartic because this is crap that I would never be able to vent in a session, I would run out of time. I just don't know, I'm just antisocial and I don't enjoy most people and find many of them boring. I know by saying this I sound like a rather mean person and I don't want to be this way; maybe I hold people to an impossibly high standard or I have a personality disorder of some kind. I have offered to my therapist that I suspect I might be on the spectrum (I know Asperger's doesn't technically exist as a diagnosis anymore) but no one has ever suggested it. Everyone I've seen just thinks it's outright depression and social anxiety disorder.
I had jury duty yesterday and I was just sitting there dreading having to go into the courtroom and answer questions from the judge and attorneys in front of everyone, and I beat myself up for allowing this to still bother me as a person in their 30s. Luckily we all got dismissed for the day without ever making it that far.
I have come to the realization that I only feel better during the actual therapy, when I have to step out into the world again I feel like a crushing burden has come back onto my shoulders after only 45 minutes. I also feel like it's time to accept that I probably will never be totally rid of this and should focus on more on the word "management" rather than "cure."
The UK system is actually not that much different from the US in terms of "shorter-term" care being preferred over the long haul. Obviously, the difference is whether or not you have health insurance in the US. Health insurance is supposed to cover behavioral health services at a reasonable rate, but those companies do backhanded things to try to get out of paying for some people. I remember seeing an ex-therapist who told me beforehand that my insurance company was going to call her soon to "check" on me to ask her professional opinion on whether or not I still needed therapy. Of course, she told them to get lost and they kept paying. However she eventually stopped taking health insurance altogether because their meddling and red tape made it impossible for her fees to get reimbursed everytime (this wasn't solely because of me, of course). My current therapist does not accept insurance at all. I have to pay an exorbitant amount out of pocket directly to her and then submit my claims to my insurance company on my own. This process is called an "out of network" claim and I only pay about $24 more than I would if this therapist actually were on the insurance label. I never get questioned by my insurance company about filing all of these claims.
You are right when you say that no one else can know what I am living with on a daily basis. Most people will never know. This is a very misunderstood illness and many people out there think if you just exercise or something like that you will snap out of it. I tried to open up to my mom recently and she made a poor choice of words in her response, she said she was "disturbed" by some of the things I said, I believe a better term would be "upset". So I'm just going to revert back to my "everything's fine" answer.