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Old Oct 09, 2007, 09:19 AM
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tsha tsha is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Nowhere/Everywhere, depends on the day.
Posts: 151
I'm tired; I'm tired of it all. I feel so alone. My family doesn't understand. They want to take control.

I told them what happened to me as a child and asked them to keep to themselves. I found out they didn't. I understand their reasoning - its a lot for them but they still did it.

I have let them talk to my doc to hopefully understand what is happening, to understand what I am going through. We discussed issues I have with the shame I feel and my inability to trust others.

I followed that conversation up with an email taking my time to explaining why this is important to me, trust being the biggest thing. I need to trust they will do as I ask. That they will put my need before their's in this circumstance. But I found out one of my sisters immediately shared this with her SO.

My close friend is pulling away, the one I trusted. The only people who actually listen are my docs but I have to pay them.

I feel so alone.

When I started treatment for this I had this vision in my mind of what I would feel like after I got through this - standing at the waters edge as the sun is rising, with my arms lifted, taking in the morning light's energy of a new day and feeling that the weight of all this lifted - but its fading fast.

I just want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling like s***. I want to be happy. But it all seems beyond my reach.
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Just when the catepillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly. -proverb