I can't really explain it. It's just that sometimes I live in this most amazing, magical world which I love so so much. I think I'm surrounded by the most amazing people and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But then I remember that's not my life, and I tell myself I'm imagining it all because good things don't happen to me. Magic isn't real, and people don't make an effort for me. It's like, after 40 years good things are happening and I can't trust that. Or I don't know whether to trust myself or what I'm seeing around me. I think if you're only ever used to derge, it's hard to trust that what is happening around me isn't just more derge and wishful thinking. I'm oscillating wildly between thinking I'm imagining everything, to believing that magic really does happen .