Lots of good points from lots of you here - thanks for the reality check. We've been here several days now, and it's sort of working out. The dog was groomed the morning after we arrived (hours after his comment to my mother), so his coat isn't as full of unshed fur now and it feels/looks cleaner. They still don't want him inside, which is fine with me - we brought (and had planned to use already, prior to coming) a long line with a ground anchor for him. Unfortunately, today he took to barking while we were gone and it irritates them, as well as another neighbor with whom we're friendly. Everyone has been very kind about it, but I know it's another issue I need to address if we're going to stay. He barks because he's outside and wants to be inside; I don't know how to stop the barking while also keeping him out of doors. Obviously this isn't a great scenario, and we won't bring the dog again; I think we won't visit here again until after he dies (the dog - just to be absolutely clear). On other trips, we have also solved the issue of caring for him with a housesitter, it just wasn't a good solution this time due to my husband still being home every night. I'm actually not upset at all at the idea that we shouldn't really travel until after he passes on - it will be a welcome break from the pressures to trek to family at every possible turn.

All that aside, I am hearing everyone's thoughts about respecting my stepfather's space, not judging him based on statements that were not intended for my ears, etc. I try really hard to be respectful - I change the vast majority of my normal behavior, speech patterns, topics of conversation, level of general tidiness of the kids, and more when we visit with him. I expend a great deal of energy trying to minimize our impact on him and his routines and preferences. Obviously the dog situation hasn't worked out that way, but we did have an invitation to bring him prior to showing up; I don't think any of us realized what an issue that was going to be. I certainly don't intend to have that be an issue again. Incidentally, we are about to get a new puppy which will be even larger than our current dog; perhaps we won't be traveling at all for a good long time - I'll have to think that through more.

More to the point BastetsMuse raised about resenting my stepfather to the point that he can't do anything right - I'm really thinking that one over. There are certainly a great number of things that frustrate me about him. But there are many things I appreciate, as well. He takes good care of my mother, in general - they're good to each other and maintain a very active, socially engaging life together. He is also meticulous about a lot of things, which makes it a pleasure to be in their (regular) home when we visit - I always know exactly where things will be and how to put them back. And he has made an effort over the past several years to both be somewhat more accommodating to my siblings and my family when we visit (not something he's used to at all) while recognizing his limits for having activity around him and people in his space. We take care now to plan visits when he's away sometimes (he maintains a home in another state as well - the cabin we're visiting right now is my mother's - so they each have an independent place and they share a home). That allows our family to get together and see my mother without always having to overwhelm him.

I have cooled down from the first morning. He has spent a great deal of time working on projects with my kids that they have loved, which has provided the added benefit of he and I staying out of each other's space a lot. They do like getting to do those projects with him, but other issues are challenges still with the kids. Their noise/activity level overwhelms him sometimes (me too!). And he has some notions that are a little harder to break simply due to how he was raised, I think; he always suggests doing the woodworking projects with my son, even though my daughter loves to do it, too. He will do it with her, but he doesn't think of it - it's a subtle message about gender roles that I hope she doesn't pick up on.

To the suggestion about a hotel, we've brought it up during trips to their home in the past - I think it offended them that we didn't want to stay with them. They have not wanted us to do that previously, so I'm not sure whether to just insist. We wouldn't be able to afford a hotel in the town they normally live in for more than a day or two, which would make the 1-2 visits they expect each year unreasonable (one at the holidays and one in the summer, in addition to this summer trip to the cabin). They live 10 hrs from us, so staying just 1 or 2 nights wouldn't be worth it for the trip. I'll have to mull that over, too.