I'm late coming into the conversation. I see it a bit differently.

To answer your question, I forgive easily. In fact, I'm incapable of holding a grudge.

I think your stepdad has an extremely abrasive personality and you have to walk on eggshells there - where you say needing to minimize your family's impact there. He does nothing to provide comfortable accommodations and gets easily overwhelmed (man up!) by the kids, etc. Yet staying at a hotel isn't an option because that's a personal affront to him.

Being direct, that's great he treats your mom well. The rest of you? He treats you like garbage, always has to have it his way, and doesn't give a !&@" if his guests/family's needs are met. In fact, he does the opposite by judging you and assuming you keep a "nasty" dog.

He sounds like someone unhealthy to be around even though there are positives, as you said. I hope I didn't offend - not my intention. Just seems like he's inconsiderate, boorish and rude. Not someone healthy to be around on his turf especially with taking care of your family during the visit. Your basic needs don't even get factored in, I bet. Probably an oversight because you manage and forage ahead until you can leave.

Am I way off here? If I'm not way off - I think Radical Acceptance is in order for your sanity. He's family and takes care of your mom. Good. Those visits? Screw that. They need to be shorter or you need to set boundaries and say, "hey, we are staying at the hotel. Looking forward to coming over to visit and for dinner." He'll get mad but he's already mad at something already. His issue, not yours.

Don't confront as he's not going to change. You need to change by setting boundaries and enforcing them. I mean that kindly. Accept him "as is" and visit on your terms. Not his. If he can't accept that, vacation cancelled.