Hi Frangelica,

I had this same situation in my second marriage and I managed to turn it, but it was a big effort.

The thing I had to do was realise that the 'needy' anxiety was in me, it was taking me over, and if I didn't deal with it I would alienate my second wife.

By a huge, desperately tiring, effort of will I turned my attention away from my relationship and started dealing with my own stuff instead. Also I threw myself into a project which didn't involve my wife, and I gave her some space.

It was in this space that my wife and I got to know each other, because the obsessing had been a wall between us.

Not only did I come to have a loving relationship with her, but I understood why my previous marrige had been so toxic, and later on, why I had this emotional neediness in the first place. That was the hardest bit - the bit that the analysts deal with.

It sounds like it's not too late for you, I certainly hope so. If you can manage to give him a little space, and deal with the anxiety monster in a different way - that's the way I did it.

Nowadays I still have the anxiety and depression but crucially it is not a relationship issue, it's just an illness that I deal with. This has worked for me.

I hope it gets better for you.

Myzen,