Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2
I too don't feel my age. This body is 47 and I'm just a teen. Alters don't all age, some are stuck in time. It's awful being stuck in an old man, I just want to cry.
Alters don't have to take over, we can feel pressure, another presence, urges, or be influenced by them. Whose to say that you aren't an alter to the body? PTSD has dissociative symptoms.  |
Alwayschanging, you and I have exchanged many posts over the months since I stared trying to figure out what is going on in me and today I was trying to figure a way to better describe this to my t without saying I am almost always 4-6 years old but sometimes infant or teen because that didn't seem honest either because I'm NOT those things but sure feel like it. I then realized what it really seems like and it is much like you just said. The 'i' I speak and act with in the world feels like a shell that learned how to show social appropriateness regardless of who or how old I feel inside. I just realized that it has always been that way and that I don't know that I ever had a real self that seemed to be who I am or was. Wow, that sounded crazy but the closest to right I have been able to describe it with. I realized that the only thing I can relate at an adult age is the visual flashbacks of a couple things that happened in my adult years and those are only images and experiences and I don't feel adult even in those images. It's like I learned how to present as the years grew, but inside I just keep changing from very young to teen and multiple address and things in-between, and even seem to have different attitudes and feelings that are about the same age. Even my terrors and flashbacks change as my inside change but I seem to control the shell to the world about 90% of the time so nobody ever knows what's going on. I am thinking as I am typing that there are really truly different me's in here and it has just always been that way and I didn't realize how things really weren't right until I am starting to not keep the shell together in therapy and these young things are showing through. I wish I knew how to understand the difference between regression as t has said he is seeing and these 'things' all being separate.
Sorry for the ramble, my brain seemed to realize more as I was typing. I wish I could explain this clearly to t and see what he thinks but i always start losing control of the shell and the young stuff starts taking over and I can't explain worth crude.
Thanks for listening and if you or anyone else has insight or thoughts, I am ALL EARS!