Alwayschanging, you and I have exchanged many posts over the months since I stared trying to figure out what is going on in me and today I was trying to figure a way to better describe this to my t without saying I am almost always 4-6 years old but sometimes infant or teen because that didn't seem honest either because I'm NOT those things but sure feel like it. I then realized what it really seems like and it is much like you just said. The 'i' I speak and act with in the world feels like a shell that learned how to show social appropriateness regardless of who or how old I feel inside. I just realized that it has always been that way and that I don't know that I ever had a real self that seemed to be who I am or was. Wow, that sounded crazy but the closest to right I have been able to describe it with. I realized that the only thing I can relate at an adult age is the visual flashbacks of a couple things that happened in my adult years and those are only images and experiences and I don't feel adult even in those images. It's like I learned how to present as the years grew, but inside I just keep changing from very young to teen and multiple address and things in-between, and even seem to have different attitudes and feelings that are about the same age. Even my terrors and flashbacks change as my inside change but I seem to control the shell to the world about 90% of the time so nobody ever knows what's going on. I am thinking as I am typing that there are really truly different me's in here and it has just always been that way and I didn't realize how things really weren't right until I am starting to not keep the shell together in therapy and these young things are showing through. I wish I knew how to understand the difference between regression as t has said he is seeing and these 'things' all being separate.

Sorry for the ramble, my brain seemed to realize more as I was typing. I wish I could explain this clearly to t and see what he thinks but i always start losing control of the shell and the young stuff starts taking over and I can't explain worth crude.

Thanks for listening and if you or anyone else has insight or thoughts, I am ALL EARS!