Hi:

It's 3:20 in the morning and life is hell right now. I'm stuck in a really bad marriage and he will not let me leave. I actually have no place to go to start over and am on his healthcare, so, stupid woman I sure turned out to be. (sob). He is overwhelming. I have never had depression before and now I caught it from him. I feel I have two options. One: leave, two: kill myself. It really is that bad. I am choosing option one, to leave this dysfunctional marriage. I'm scared to death because I am completely alone, alone, alone.

Being disabled has cut me off from the world like you wouldn't believe. Getting around the country in a wheelchair is just too hard. I am in a terrible situation. I have never told anyone about this ever before. My parents are dead and I have no living relatives. I am unable to push myself because of two major c-spine surgeries. My husband will not help me learn to drive. I feel like a prisoner here.

I am stuck in my chair because I have to have my spine reset. It has a long scary name : lumbar wedge osteotomy. They isert equipment in my back after breaking it in two or three places and they actually told me I might not live through surgery and also that the outcome may leave me worse and stuck in bed on pain medicine for the rest of my life. The surgery is about five hours long and very thankfully, my cardiologist said absolutely NOT! I always need clearance from a cardiologist before undergoing surgery and I have had five major surgeries over the past four years. I am chronically disabled.

I used to live in the northeast. I can't even begin to tell anyone how terribly backward it is out here. I am lucky to have two great doctors out here in ... Stubbville. I have much gratitude towards them. They have saved my life and kept me alive. My oncologist is a gorgeous person. My other Dr. is the same.

I went out looking for psychiatric help recently, and I wound up reporting the Dr. to the state medical board because of illegal activities. I could not believe what this person was doing to patients. I looked around me and saw other patients who were maybe too drugged or ill to know they were being taken advantage of. I talked to my insurance company and they just flipped and said it was my duty to report this doctor.

I am 100% certain this never would have happened in Boston or New Hampshire. I was shaking as I gave the report to the right people, but I am now scared. They will know it was me because I was the most coherent person aware enough to know it was wrong to treat patients like that.

I needed to turn to someone tonight. I just have never been so alone before. I am grateful to have a place to turn. I never in a million years would ever have risked everything and come here to write -- but I have never been this terrified, worried and sad before to turn to a group. I have never put myself out anywhere before.

I am grateful I found this place, because for me, in real life, this IS the only place I have to turn. Thanks for reading.

Signing off, Min