I finally feel hope.

Its been a long time coming.

Sorry if this is long, I want to give my whole story. I feel like writing today

I grew up with my mom and step dad until I was 13ish. My mom was depressed the whole time and my step dad was undiagnoses borderline.
He would verbally abuse me and my sister and psychically abuse my brother. He had 2 kids from 2 previous wives who came to ohr house maybe 3 times a year. I was the oldest of all 5 of us.
I was sexually abused twice in my life.
Once by another child at daycare when i was about 6 and once by a middle school teacher.
My mom knew of both situations but did nothing and provided me with no counciling or support. She didnt even remove me from either situation.

At 13ish i moved to another state to live with my dad and stepmom. It seemed like heaven. I didnt have to take care of my siblings, i only had to worry about myself. They always listened to me and we were open about everything. Little did i know, they were manipulating me and my future.
They are very old school- i am a woman, so i shouldnt work, only be a mom and marry rich.
They are ivy league school educated, very important in NYC, on boards and committees of bigcompanies etc.
Once i realized they were not supporting my education dreams, i got emancipated from them and moved 600 miles south at 16.

I was homeless for a while. But i managed to get a job and got my highschool diploma, and started community college.

Then i met my husband and we quickly got together, and i had my first son at 20 and second at 21.
Everything was soperfect. I had a good job. So did he. I was in school. I was a mom.
My mom had left my stepdad and we became close again.
My brother and sister moved in with my dad and we lost contact.

Then in 2012 i had very bad post pardum depression. Ended up IP for a week.
Then i was in IOP dbt for 5 months. I went back to work and didnt really comply with meds or therapy.
My husband, who was very active in the film industry, both acting and voice over work, became very sick.
He ended up with kidney failure and my momsfamily sent him to the mayo clinic for the best care.
He was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. He has been out of work since then. He has good days and very bad days, but he is haply being able to spend so much time with the kids.

Throughout this time, i graduated from community college, was promoted to an executive sales job and was doing great emotionally and financially.
But, i was manic. So i was leaving my kids and husband for days, sleeping around, abusing alcohol. Got into credit card debt. Just a mess emotionally.

Then in feb 2016 i crashed into a terrible depression.
Ive been out of work on short term, now long term disability,waiting on social security to be approved.

I got out of the bad depression within 2 months with new meds and constant therapy.

My mom and her family wanted me to get another opinion, because they were thinking my progress was going slow. We had long discussions about how mental illnesses take a long time to treat.

But heres where my hope came from...
My second opinion dr ordered bloodwork. No other dr in 4 years has done this.
And i have severe anemia, low vit d, high cholesterol, and very low TSH and Free T4.
My mixed episodes and extremely low energy is because I have a thyroid problem!

I am so happy to know that there is something psychial going on!

I used to lay down in bed and it would feed my depression. But now i can say, 'you arent depressed! You have no energy because your body isnt working correctly!'

Im so excited to get on the thyroid meds soon and start to feel better!

Im still schizoaffective with bipolar 1. I still will get psychotic breaks and mania and depression. But maybe day to day i will feel just a little bit better.
And that makes me so excited.

My husband and i have fixed our marriage. We are doing great. My brother started talking to me about 2 weeks ago. And i am financially secure to be out of work for 2 more years to fix my health.
I have been so lucky to be spending so much time with my kids and focusing on me.

Im so ready to see what is next for me in life!

This is the first hope ive had in years. And it's genuine. And that makes me happy.

Thanks for reading my life story. Im not even looking for replies. I just wanted a place to write.

:Love:

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