the heart is still pumping the life fluids through the body for the continuance of sustaining my life force..

i have the option of going to the hospital and making myself feel worse by putting myself in an extremely uncomfortable and possibly re-traumatic experience for the ability to be put on with my clinics psychiatric doctors care, or the continuance of the war in the same battlefield i have been traversing until the new pdoc arrives in the clinic which could be who knows how long...

i for one don't want to spend 1 day in the hospital because of my circumstances although it could remedy my pdoc issue, i am not very interested in causing myself even more distress and pain that will linger for more years to come just to have them made happy enough to see me and treat me with medicine...
its not easy to explain the type of pain that is created from putting myself and allowing myself to be put into these positions again and again
if i continue to do it i will lose all trust for my own self and i know where that will lead, it is what i want to avoid so i can't allow them to take me to the hospital..

so i am at a loss for what to really do, examining the rules and looking at other options to try to find a small loop hole to try to allow me to be taken on the psychiatric team at the clinic without being admitted to the hospital..
i am going to speak with my case manager on the 2nd and try to explore as many options as i can think of.. but i am scared that i will once again be tricked into going into the hospital and then being trapped there without an escape and if i find myself there again i am going to flip out because its the absolute one thing that i do not agree with..
not fair for them to lock me in a building and tell me that things will be ok when they cant even see or understand my dilemma, to continuously misunderstand what is happening inside and to dictate to me what is going on when i know they dont have a clue because my mind is so tricky and manipulative... i would just be stuck there for how ever many days again, unaware, get home, and then be pissed off that i was in the hospital for such time and not made any progress or anyone seeing any of my symptoms because they retreat in threatening situations, its not very fair

well, i am in a war- i guess there will be casualties; sigh