I grew up in an atmosphere rife with child abuse. Many of the very few friends I have had experienced tumultuous childhood experiences as well, albeit different. As a child before I even contemplated advanced thoughts of psychotherapy and the work of psychologists, I thought I was the first one to coin the term psychological trauma.

I have progressed much from my childhood days of being abused emotionally and physically (psychological torture and physical beatings), primarily by my caregivers, and people around me. I can see how intricately child abuse has affected every aspect of my entire life and words could not communicate my emotions and experiences. I'm sure I could name a list of things from relationships to eating disorders that has impacted my life as a result as so could countless others.

After making a pseudo life transformation and somehow staying afloat my first year of college in regards to my psychological stability it seems I have misjudged how deeply these past events have affected me. I grew up poor which I am completely sure exacerbated these problems but now that I can actually connect to the internet I am at the point where I stopped going to classes for pretty much over a year now except for a few easy online classes.

I feel intense bouts of anxiety and cannot really do anything (as in leave the house, see a friend or even muster the concentration/concerted effort and will to read a book) because my emotions keep my logical side in a cage. I know what I have to do but it seems like now I am my own worst nemesis. Being abused so early on and having the majority of my memories being so painful I think it definitely holds me back and I have tried as I will continue to, but I feel completely distraught. Just posting this makes me feel completely insecure. "Honesty" is a deceitful term because we all desire honesty from others but we never want to give it.