I had my session yesterday. T was funny. He said, "I'm not making fun of you or anything, but don't think you it's a bit ironic that this is analysis and you try to avoid talking about sex?" I said to him, "I already explained to you why it's so hard for me to talk about it." And he said, "Well... no. You made a statement, but you didn't explain." Okok so he's right. Again.

We talked a lot about boundaries. I told him how I felt like talking about certain things and even feeling certain things seem like crossing the boundaries. He told me that not only am I allowed to say anything to him, but I am allowed to feel anything as well.

I told him that deep down I was mad at him for not being able to do a session on Friday, but I wasn't letting myself get mad. Told him how it will seem like he's disappearing even though it's only an extra 3 days that I will have to wait to see him. We talked about a lot of emptiness feelings. I starting having very vivid suicial ideation images-- T said, "Since I am going to disappear, you want to disappear, too." He's right. No object constancy for him, none for me.

Then I gave him the CD. He thanked me and asked me which song he could listen to first.

Today I have been very depressed. I cried on the way to work this morning... I mean, really cried-- tears running down my face, eye makeup everywhere. I have been crying in my office and I really don't feel like dealing with anyone here. Every time someone comes to ask me something I want to tell them to %#@&#! off. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it feels horrible.

T told me about 200 times, that I can call him anytime I need to. For any reason. But it's so hard.