I have come up with the reason why I have so many problems with pdocs. I don't think it was them. I think it was me. I always had to be the one in control. NO I'm not going to listen to what you think is best for me. NO I'm not going to go on that med. YES I think you're an asshole because you want me to go on that when I don't want to.

NO I'm not psychotic.

(But in all fairness, no one thinks they're psychotic when they are. I mean, if you know you are you're probably not.)

Towards the end of my last episode, my last doctor wanted to put me on an antipsychotic. I did not want to go one. She prescribed me invega. She even TOLD me that she hoped I'd go on it because if I didn't she believed bipolar was going to destroy my life.

She said that to me!!

The ***** was right!

I should have listened to everyone instead of being so stubborn.

I'm totally admitting defeat here.

I was so proud of myself for being able to hold everything together during my last episode. But really I was just being a stubborn, selfish asshole. I should have gone on FMLA. I should have called in when I needed to. I should have gone into the hospital when it was really apparent that I needed to.

But no... instead I had to drive myself to the point of SUI attempt, losing my family, losing my job, losing, well EVERYTHING. I've lost it all because I was a moron.

So, I'm a good example of what NOT to do during an episode of ultra rapid cycling when you spend the majority of your time on the up end! I'm so mad at myself.