I did the same thing when my bipolar first resurfaced. I loved being manic as I had never had euphoria before so I played with my meds and induced it. I went into a mixed episode and by then it was too late I refused to listen to the Pdoc and take a stabilizer bc he wanted me on tegretol which would require bloodwork and I was like no way. Ended up hurting myself pretty badly, stitches, inpatient. Didn't lose my family or my job but it was close. And then it took me a whole year after that (and another manic/mixed/psychotic episode) to actually be med compliant and start listening.

Honestly I didn't start really cracking down on my recovery until I lost my husband. At that point I realized I'm all my son has left and I have to do everything in my power to remain stable and stay out of the hospital. I can't leave him with a crazy parent or worse, no parents at all.

So yes, you've ****ed up. But dwelling on it and beating yourself up for it won't help. All you can do now is move forward. Recommit to recovery. Start researching which meds would be best in your opinion but also take the pdoc's opinion into account. You haven't lost your family permanently. You can find another job or go on disability. Your situation is not hopeless, even though it feels like it is.

You can do this.