Finally got back to this thread after quite a while.

I've beenn back in our apartment for a few days. He's not being horrible like the last two visits. Now I am supposed to move out, but I have a month or two. I am hoping to reconnect and that he might see us as a couple again.

I'm also tryin to take care of me... find something to live for, find emotional sustenance, something I've never really had, unless you count potato chips and suchlike/!! IE not real sustenance. I had a job interview last week a few days before returning here, if you can believe that.

Everybody is amazed at how great I'm doing but they have no idea how I am suffering, how close I am to just ending it all quite often. They just see my amazing soldiering-on, and even though I call out for support, I get very little.

The counsellors were all useless. I'm doing a save-your-marriage program that is a last ditch desperate effort to start over.

That was the plan when we separated, until he realized he was happy in his life except with me. So... ifr we can find happiness again, maybe his feelings will change. Hard as it is, it's easier than finding my own joy in life, which so far has not been possible.