Hello Secretum: The Skeezyks dislikes giving advice. But I can perhaps offer some observations. I spent many frustrating years chasing a dream similar to yours (i.e. being proud & successful) only to see it all come crashing down in the end.

From my perspective, a person can only be who they are... whether that is who they want to be or not. There's an author whose works I appreciate... Parker J Palmer. Palmer has written that before we decide what we intend to do with our lives, we must first ask what it is our lives intend to do with us.

In other words, we all have things we're good at & things we're not... whether it be because of our skills & abilities or because of our temperament. Trying to force ourselves into a mold we're simply not suited for is a prescription for ongoing unhappiness & frustration. Perhaps the path you are on now is not the one that is going to lead you to that place of pride & success you seek? Only you know the answer to that. I wish you well...