Okay, well I have been staying with a 2 year old and it has been confronting to see all my beliefs about creation, birth, women fertility fall on my face as I realize how depressed I really am that in having sex I can create life. Honestly this makes sense on why I would feel depressed and disgusted and even resentful towards sex. Especially if I view life as a burden and children as something that is suffocating the life out of me. It also makes sense why I would refuse to get close to any guy because I view it as if I fall pregnant my life is literally over and I can say goodbye to my sanity. Plus I feel like the guy will be adding to the stress and insanity I have all these fears around relationships and family. Basically I am afraid of recreating the life I had as a child so it makes sense that I would be afraid to get close to any guy. All I have to do is be clear on what will and won't tolerate and I will have to communicate early on my fears around children. Bascially I feel like children can trap you in an abusive situation and my fear is having a child and then he is abusive and I can't leave just like my mother with my father.