I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading about victim blaming and "victim mentality" accusations. I'm going to use generic examples only, but applied a trigger warning just in case. I wrote this from the perspective of someone trying to understand how these terms are used, and trying to imagine a logical debate with everyday non-professional people who engage in these accusations.

I think some victim blaming assumes that people have an unlimited ability to overcome a negative circumstance, and that if they don't get better results it's their fault for not being proactive enough. I see that people theoretically have the ability to overcome adversities, but it is their belief that they can't (fear of failure and negative self-image, for example) which may hinder them. In addition, adversity doesn't just disappear because you want it to, or don't want to acknowledge it exists. In these cases, empowering people to see possibilities as well as acknowledging unfair circumstances and the actual causes of these is more effective and logical than simply putting people down.

Another kind of victim blaming comes when people experience some form of crime or abuse, and the blamers point out there are things they could have done to minimize the risk, therefore "they deserved it". In some circumstances there may be logical precautions one can take (it's going to vary a lot based on specific circumstances), however this type of victim blaming also has the implication that not only is the world imperfect, and that other people do bad things, there is nothing you can do to change it, and you are obliged to be a bit paranoid and protect yourself only. It implies that nobody who is doing wrong has to change, or maybe change is not possible, therefore only you have to change, to accomodate their bad behaviors!!! That strikes me as very wrong. What about holding abusive people accountable? What about doing something to move society and individuals toward a better level of behavior? Why ONLY focus on what someone could potentially have done to minimize a possible risk? Why do we have to simply put up with the risk - which is based on other people's wrong actions - and assume it can't or shouldn't be improved? It isn't logical to say a victim could have potentially protected themselves (hindsight is 20/20) and gloss over the fact that a perpetrator should not be perpetrating!

Bias and prejudice also feeds into victim blaming. A person who is seen as socially acceptable may be treated too leniently or as more believable if they victimize someone seen as socially less acceptable, for example. "Social acceptability" here is not an absolute - it can change greatly depending on social groups and their beliefs about the world. The best way to overcome this would be to be more aware of social biases and prejudices, and spread the truth. One has to speak and own one's own truth, and not allow judgmental and narrow minded people to occupy space in one's mind - a worthy ideal, but easier said than done.

People also talk about the "victim mentality". It may be technically accurate as a label for some ways in which an abused person might think, feel and behave, but I personally find it too accusatory. When I think about how a so-called victim mentality might be a legitimate hindrance to someone, I think of a person who:

* Expects to be on the receiving end of bad behavior or events, and is hypervigilant for these;
* Believes they can do nothing about it or that the situation will not improve;
* Acts helpless, dependent, defensive, and seeks constant validation because of the above.

If someone has a self-defeating victim mentality, they're basically acting helpless and scared (being genuinely victimized can and does have that effect!). It can come out as annoying behaviors to others because of how they might display this or attempt to cope with it. The logical thing to do to help such a person change may be to get them to confront their fears, reality check, and empower themselves - dismissing their concerns out of hand or simply complaining that they are "playing a pity card" isn't going to improve anything!

I acknowledge that some people COULD seek to manipulate others with a victim mentality that is disingenuous - in other words, they're just purely playing on people's empathy and taking advantage of it in a calculated, scheming way. I wonder how it is possible to identify a genuine vulnerable victim mentality (which is understandable) from the purely cynical manipulativeness of "crocodile tears"?

It may be that some people have fallen prey to a fake victim mentality and now assume that anything resembling it must be a cynical ploy? There surely must be ways of "reality checking" so that people can better differentiate between a truly vulnerable person and a crafty manipulator. There's a big difference between playing the role of a victim, and actually being one, but tricky for others to differentiate when outward signs might appear similar.

So, my conclusions are as follows:

Victim blaming acknowledges that people have the potential capacity to plan for and control negative events, however instead of being used to empower, it is used to accuse. It also fails to acknowledge that factors external to the victim can and should be recognized and changed. This is where the belief that one can and should have control over one's environment and have personal responsibility wanders off a logical cliff. It has some validity but also falls victim itself (!) to a narrow vision of what is really going on. Victim blaming has a component of bias and prejudice. Owning one's own truth, resisting absorbed shame, and spreading awareness of stigma can counteract this.

The victim mentality exists but this term itself is too accusatory. Seen from the sufferer's perspective it is actually learned helplessness and fear, exhibited by psychological defenses that keep a person stuck in a disempowered state. It is unwise to simply dismiss it as selfishness, attention seeking, or bids for sympathy. This approach will only increase the person's self-doubts and make counterproductive psychological defenses worse. The right way to help heal a victim mentality is to encourage the person to face their fears and empower themselves. Yelling at and judging a frightened person is not going to make them feel any more secure.

Some people throw the term "victim mentality" around as a description of people who cynically try to get sympathy and are not truly a victim of anything. Sometimes this meaning of the term to is incorrectly applied to abuse survivors, because people don't understand or don't want to acknowledge what is really going on.

I'm wondering when someone will point out "I'm a survivor, not a victim!" Good point. Having been through any negative situation - overt abuse of any kind, some difficult hardship - a person has been a victim, but also has survived the experience. I know the goal is to process, heal, learn, and move on to greater things; to move from powerlessness to empowerment.

I am posting this in the hopes that some of you who have been the recipients of victim blaming or accused of having a victim mentality might feel a bit more reassured and empowered today, and understand possible reasons why some people do this.

I stand with you.