Sister change scares me though I'm sure she was thinking only in terms of what would be most helpful. Oh, even having said that, it still scares me.

Perna, I didn't even notice anything 'different' and probably this might just mean she makes a shift of some kind that I wouldn't or couldn't notice if I tried.

Mouse, interesting way to put it: "... the connection doesn't appear to be there!". Coz it feels as if it isn't there at all but I suppose you're right that it is but it isn't so apparent at the moment. I guess if I don't feel it, it doesn't exist?

Sunny I don't know about repair and not. Too early in this I think. To me it just seems to come and go. Be there or not.

Pink I didn't tell her. I go along like that with her (and with others too). And then because I sit on it, it comes at me in a rush I think and I feel this stuff after. In session I'm this stupid obedient timid stupid boring (did I say stupid?)...thing. I feel like a child there most of the time. I feel like I react that way too. It's mortifying.

We both know I am stuck on this wanting 'mothering' but I wish I wasn't. I really want to have intelligent meaningful adult discussions with her and delight in the exploration and enlightenment, just be able to enjoy being there without feeling ashamed because I'm sitting there looking like an adult, talking like one mostly, and at the same time dreamily fantasizing about her comforting me or holding me or just sitting close to me making me feel safe, warm, fuzzy.

Then I fall apart on the way home, try to get it together when home but can't and so I sometimes phone her. Last night I called. 4 times I think. Wasn't quick enough once and the answering machine stops. Told her I was so frustrated and when I tell her things about my childhood it doesn't come out right and when she says them back to me it doesn't sound right; that we spent too much time one thing and explained that. But I was an emotional mess and crying (did I say stupid?) and I wonder if I can even go back and show my face again. What an idiot. What a baby.

I think I can't figure out how to be there. My mind wants to be an adult, my emotions and wants are childish.

My head is spinning and I slept very little last night. I need some sleep for now.