Like I really should of seen this coming, but how it happened is much more reckless than intended. I really do seek a true relationship despite my issues. Yes I know what I need to fix and did the best I can, and did a good job, but she disagrees, because she said I never gave her enough attention or barely spent anything on her. Even though it all amounts to the gas money to take her wherever and getting her and taking her out to eat getting to a hospital when she was sick.

I tried I really tried and it wasn't enough. Yeah I act like an immature child on the outside, but I opened up, but she couldn't see between who I was and what I wanted out of the relationship. This whole thing got really ugly. I'm bummed out, I just got a job and soon two to go visit her and help her out, but nope that is not happening too inconvenient.

So, I feel regret in some parts, but now I should never let any woman influence my own personal choices having me in a place of stress to decide on things related to her. I can't take that. I'm sorry I have a really bad wandering eye, but I really never texted anyone I gave you numbers of people who you were sketched out by and wasn't any way felt pressured to give up my own secrets to you, but you still wanted more.

I hate it, like it's not fair. I shouldn't have to go out of my way for anyone when they can't trust me. I can't help make a precedent to go slowly, because so many females want to rush rush rush. Yes I'm to blame having sex early on, and I'm sorry that's how I do it, and yes I have done this for specific people I'm attracted to, because I was emotionally connected to them and so I sex helps me break the ice after awhile or early on it depends. Yes it stems from my sexual abuse, maybe I want someone on my level of maturity and emotional security to feel that someone strong enough for both of us to push through the struggles. Yes I did back out, those times, because of the move and I did loved her later on, but I'm not holding you back. If I did I wouldn't loved you to take care of you.

So it's really frustrating, I'm here no friends, just working no relationships.

I really want to seek more relationships again. I cannot afford to see therapists or anyone atm. Like food was my #1 concern, but I don't need that anymore. I was hoping while I'm out being free the right person come along to join me.

Yeah my ex wasn't a bad gf, definitely a lot better than my past relationships, but this is the first time I had a real relationship.

Should I date more for experience? or should I make more friends? Like friends only get me so far, like I can't stand making friends and not really seeing them all that much and I only get that when I'm "fwb" or having a true friend in town or a gf. It's hard...